About me and School so far... and more about me....

Two weeks of school and I could say there are a lot of things that's going to come my way in the following days , weeks and months to come...

I belong to section IV-10! handled by Mrs. Sam who is also our English teacher, I have a variety of classmates and I'm happy about that, interesting and friendly teachers, there's nothing to complain yet right now about my school life, but the rest of my life? I really dunno...

In the classroom I become this happy-go-lucky, loves to laugh, participates in class and everything good but when I step out of the class or on the campus and out, I become this pessimist... And maybe that's what I love about school, being inside the class with my classmates make me happy, it makes me forget the negative side of my life and brings out the good attitude in me...

But hiding my feelings in class I should say is hard, smiling when you know you have nothing to smile about, I could cheer somebody up but not myself, I get my frequent stress and headaches a lot and argggh....

And when I'm with my friends outside the class, in the campus and out, I hate myself because out of everything that happened to me, I even forgot how to trust them now, The number of true friends I know to me could only be counted with my fingers, those who really care...

Let me share something... I am a dependent person, I have that "I could do things myself"(which I could)attitude but I really am dependent, how? I look for inspirations to live my life well, And I somehow don't consider myself one inspiration for myself... Before, I had an optimistic attitude, I had my family and my best of friends as the ones I live my life for, and when I realized and matured and also because of the happenings around me, I don't even know who to live my life for now, not even for me... And I would not blame my friends if they would leave me because of this attitude...

I'm a little confused at the moment, I don't really know what to do anymore, the worth of my cries are of little value compared to the fake smiles I give just to make my friends think I'm alright... I am a strong person but I have a weak personality but I don't really want my friends to worry but I can't control myself sometimes...

And now I am slowly realizing that I'm alone...
That I don't really have friends...
I give my friends the help and support I could give them, Why? Because at times they do make me happy... no, on second thought, not happy, they only make me laugh...
I'm not looking for anything in return for these things... But it's so unfair that how come when It's my turn to need them, I get nothing...

Right now there are only things that could make me laugh and a certain memories that only make me happy, I believe there's no reason right now that could make me give out that genuine "Nicole John H. Medina smile"

And that's why I really enjoy going to school...
I just wish there were more reasons for me to be happy...
And hate my self for being envious...

-=LiL.AnGeL=-
June 20, 2009